Movin' Out

I just got this in an e-mail from a friend. I don't know whether the stats are real or made-up, but I don't really care:

"Subject: California to Secede, Take Blue States With It

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they
grow in Mexico."

Tumors of the world, unite!

I've gotten a headache every afternoon this week at work. Three theories:

1. Caffeine addiction (they go away when I get a soda)
2. Stress
3. Brain tumor

I'm leaning more toward the first two, since I don't seem to get headaches on my days off. Of course, maybe it belongs to the Brain Tumors' Union, and therefore does not have to work weekends and evenings...

This feels familiar

Did you know that you can give yourself a headache by listening to music through just one of a set of earbuds? I think I've done that for three days in a row now.

What kind of geek am I?

I took The True Geek Test. Here are my results:

The Simple Geek You answered 68% of the questions as a geek truly would.

You don't seem to sway in either direction, however you still seem to have some latent geek attributes within you. Maybe you're interested in computers but not a gamer? Maybe you've got geek hobbies but none of the awkward social tendencies. You may be slightly geekier than you thought and in denial! The simple geek usually has various quirks that friends may make fun of, but in general can be considered a fairly normal person. Your geek attributes make you less likely to conform to society. The popular kids don't hate you but the geeks don't either, so it's a respectable demographic. In a nutshell, you answered enough questions with geek tendencies and enough questions without geek tendencies that it's difficult to pinpoint your exact alignment.

Cleanliness is next to catliness

Try this free screen cleaner with your speakers on.

Oh, ick...

And speaking of things that should be illegal but aren't, here's some news you can use: In the state of Washington, sex with a horse is not against the law. But it could be deadly.

One key point that was left out of that story (but is in the AP version): The man died from internal injuries. You see, he wasn't ... um ... on top.

Two questions

1. If they want to make it illegal to burn an American flag, shouldn't they make it illegal to hang one off the antenna of your ugly old truck?
2. Why does WIRED magazine review hiking equipment? Who the hell buys WIRED for hiking-equipment reviews?

You think you've got too much time on your hands?

This guy at Kitty BLOG has been blogging about his cat for two years now.